Lord Colyne Stewart, April fool’s Issue of the TankArd, 2003
This spring has seen a massive upswing in flying turtle populations, say rangers from Ardchreag.
“There’s always been a lot of turtles in the ‘chreag,” said a head ranger, “but never this many.”
The winged reptiles have been nesting in rooftops and church spires and their sheer weight has collapsed several buildings.
“First I thought it was cute to have one on my roof,” said a local resident. “But they kept coming. Soon I had dozens on my roof. Let me tell you, turtle guano stinks!”
There is another danger represented by increased flock size other than damage to masonry and piles of stinky turtle pooh. The food of choice for flying turtles is goblin, a diminutive cousin of the troll. Once numerous in Ardchreag goblins are now scarce as record numbers are being devoured by the turtle swarms.
“There is a great danger to the Septentrian goblin population, “ said a kingdom expert. “As those in Ardchreag dwindle, the turtles will increased their range. Soon these flying shellbacks will spread throughout the barony.”
Residents of Vest Yorvik have already launched an anti-turtle campaign. Armed with long poles topped with nets, residents take turns standing at strategic locations along their border.
“They have to get past Eoforwic first,” said one Vest Yorvikker, “but we’ll be ready if they do.”
Specialists from Skraeling Althing have suggested importing vorpal bunnies from their barony’s forests to prey on the turtles but Ardchreag’s officers have so far not taken them up on their offer.